Lily: you should never lick dog poop

Me: right

Lily: you should never sniff a dogs butt

Me: probably not

Lily: you should never lick a dogs butthole

Me: right again. Pretty much keep dog parts away from your mouth

Advice from a five year old.


Logan: (talking to lily) I have wood peckers.

Lily: you do?

Logan: yup, right here

Me: Logan, what do you have?

Logan: woodpeckers?

Me: ok pal, show me what a woodpecker is

Logan: right here (points to his nipples)

Daddy: yeah, I tought Logan pecks verses boobies today, sorry...

Yeah....I expected him to point to his penis too. I am actually a little disappointed...


Not really guys, incest is bad, but I love this rhyme.

My twins take a bath/shower together. They probably will until first or second grade, whenever they start desiring privacy. I'm a conservationist, it's my duty as a human to save the water....and I like them being occupied for a full hour at the same time ;)

Logan: lily and I got married in the bath tub

Me: oh yeah? How do you get married?

Logan: yeah yeah, we are married for real, we kissed on the lips, now we are married.

Me: it's ok to kiss your sister on the lips buddy, but you can't marry her.

Logan: I know that, we are just kids, we can married when we grow up

Me: what about Kamryn? (My friends daughter)

Logan: oh, I'll marry her first, then lily

He's got a list of girls he wants to marry. I believe it's my fault because I told him you can only kiss a girl on the mouth if you're married. They take everything so literally!


Logan: who made this?

Lily: I don't know, maybe Jesus did.

Logan: ya Jesus did

We believe that they were talking about the lines on the road. Indeed, Jesus could have made them, Jesus Rodriguez, his friends call him Hank.....


Logan: dad are you straight?

Dad: *laughing* yeah

Logan: oh, mom, are you straight?

Me: sometimes, *laugh* yes buddy, I'm straight

Logan: how about my grandpa and uncle and grandma?

Me: yes, no, yes

Logan: who is no?

Me: uncle zack

Dad: Jesus Hun, you know what you just did?!

Logan: *runs away* oooooh man my uncle isn't straight

Lily: look at me I'm not straight

Dad: great....

To be noted: Logan has no concept of straight or gay in sexuality terms. We believe he was talking about being wiggly. Moreover, uncle zack is indeed straight.


Ring around the rosey

Pocket full of posies

Popsicles Popsicles

We all fall down

My kids say so many strange things throughout the day I feel like the rest of the world needs to be included in this circus that is my life.

I had decided to dedicate a section of my blog to the retardation that comes from my kids mouths. there will be days with multiple entries and days with nothing. Most of these entries will be prefaced with a description of the situation or followed by an explanation of why I am not a horrible parent.

At this current point in time my kids are 5.5 years old. Logan and Lily, they are twins. 1 boy and 1 girl, both typically developed, run of the mill, beautiful children. Before you get all stalk-y on these gorgeous and funny kids, I need to point out to you readers that we have guns, my husband is an expert marksman and we shoot to kill. So no creepy stalking, fuckers.


I put sunscreen on my kids before they went outside to play.
Lily: did you put it under my arms mom?
me: yes
Logan: what about my armpits mom?
me: your armpits are covered (referring to his shirt)
Logan: yup, because of all my hair
me: right logan, you're a hairy hairy man

now, after typing this, i realize that its not as funny in words that is was when it happened. whatever fuckers, this shit was funny to me. deal.

rantings, mom advice, product reviews,